A documented account of why I love my friends so much:

“I’m sweating just looking at him [Nicky G].”-B.T.

“Those don’t look like our buns.”-Kyle-

“Bradley came to Arby’s and he ordered a big montana. And the big montana is so big that we can’t wrap it; we have to put it in a clam shell.” -Kyle-

“17. thats ONE year away from being able to move out and buy cigarettes and buy porn and pay your own bills. come on now.” -B.T.

“Oh shit, i left my underwear in the theater.” -N.W.

“It’s like a forest fire!” -Kyle, speaking on STDs-

“KYLE, WHERE THE FUCK IS MAGNESIUM!?” -Me, teaching Kyle stoichiometry at lunch-

“This [points to PB&J sandwich] is what the Catholic Church wants me to do.” -Kyle, on a Friday during Lent-

“It’s automatically assumed that if you’re poor, you’re trashy.”-J.F., AP Lit Round Table Discussion-

Kyle: I wrestled with Luke.
Me: You lucky bastard.

“I wish they wouldn’t throw around the word ‘p——’ like it’s a Tuesday morning.” -Erin, on The Color Purple-

“I got this fire where my pants use to be.” -Erin, in reference to “Icebox” by Omarion-

“I got this fire where my pants are.”-Kyle, in reference to the above-

“Well, I’m gonna look so rockin’ hott at Prom that no one will even remember the curlers.” -N.W.

“Walk faster, you stupid fuck.” -Erin, referring Olive of Little Miss Sunshine-

“You are not going to have sex in exchange for greasy, fried potatoes!” -Erin, in regards to my methods of soliciting french fries from Kyle-

“…that’s why I’m not taking you to prom, because you never listen to me; because you’re too busy undressing me with your eyes.” -J.F.

Kyle: Go to hell.
Me: Well, you’re going with me.
Kyle: Yeah, but I’ll be in the cooler part of hell.
Me: No, Kyle, I think all parts of hell are equally as hot.

Me: Pat, i got you a ringtone: ‘Daytime friends and Nighttime Lovers.’
P.K.: Oh, and why isn’t it ‘All Day Lovers?’

“I tell you what, it’s really hard to have sex when you’re fat. That’s the number one reason for divorce. They’re too fat to have sex.” -Jovi LaPointe

“Dude, let’s play baseball with the salami; I’m bored.” -Deli workers at Monette’s fruit market

Text exchange:
Me: I know this. I was at a red light in front of papa murphey’s on friday and he was in a pizza costume. He saw me and jumped at my car.
Cath: He jumped on your car in a pizza costume. Nico, that HAS to be illegal in at least 12 states.
Me: At my car. Not on it. If he had jumped on it, I would have gotten out and jumped on him.

Text exchange:
Me: Fuck soccer & go to the beach!
Frank: I can’t skip soccer to make out with you!
Me: You can play soccer anytime.
Frank: I can make out anytime.
Me: Obviously you can’t.

On the topic of “baseball”:
Me: Generally, Kyle, where do you start?
Kyle: Pants first. What’s above the belt that’s any fun?

On the topic of college admission essays, part one:
Me: I wrote about my mommy.
Erin: I think I’ll write about a life experience. Or my dad.
Me: I think you should write about me.
Erin: I’ll think about it.
Me: I tried to write about you, but all my paper said was “Erin is sexy.” I thought that pretty much summed it up & it didn’t meet the 250 word minimum.
Erin: I think I’ll write, “Nicole thinks I am sexy.”
Me: Yeah, that’ll get you into Northwestern.
Erin: Yeah, I thought so.

On the topic of college admission essays, part two:
Me: It’s better than some of the alternatives like: you are given a block of stone, a hammer, and a chisel. What do you carve and why?
Erin: What the hell? F that.
Me: I’m thinking about writing, “I would carve a naked statue of L.H.”
Erin: and give it to Erin.
Me: only if erin has a few hundred million dollar.
Erin: I might. Just for that.

Kyle: No, I don’t really like ice cream.
Me: Kyle, how can you not like ice cream?!
Kyle: It’s cold. And heartless.

“How about this hurricane. That’s global warming. You know what we used to call that? MOTHER NATURE! Now it’s global warming.”
-Larry, A.P. Government Teacher

TJ: Nicolyn, when’s homecoming?
Me: September 29. You going with me?
TJ: No.
Me: Why not? I have a nice rack.
TJ: No. I mean, you do. But I’ll let you go with one of the seniors.

“Well jeez. Who peed in his cheerios this morning?”
-Larry, A.P. Government Teacher

Me: …you and your lesbian truck.
Nicky G: Lesibian truck?

Me: I’m not saying that you are a lesbian. You just have the category of car that lesbians like to drive.
Nicky G: Well, me and those lesbians have a lot in common. For example, we both like girls.

Yuki: Why are you walking with TJ? He tried to lock me in the dance room.
Me: I’m taking him to the middle of nowhere so i can rape him.
Yuki: Why not me, Nicolyn?! Why not me?!”
Me: Maybe next week.

On the topic of the Lion King:
“Nala and them, they’re like basically having word sex.” -S.D.

Sean: Are your eyes real?
Nicky G: Yes my eyes are real!
Sean: I mean the color. They’re so blue.

Meredith: How are you and the wife?
TJ: We’re fine and the kids are great.

Me: I bet her parents are planning your wedding.
TJ: I bet that soccer player’s parents are planning your wedding.
Kyle: Your boyfriend burned you about frank. That’s so funny.

“This is no ordinary possum. It’s like a gorilla possum. Saber tooth gorilla possum. And he’s like swearing at me. In possum.”
-Larry, A.P. Government Teacher

“I hate writing the word ‘banana.’ I just don’t know when to stop.”-M.J.

“I love God enough to respect his privacy.”-J.T.

Me: Tomorrow, instead of a picture of you and me, there’s going to be a picture of me and Andrew. What are you gonna do about it anyway?
TJ: Nothing. I don’t talk to pedophiles.

Me: How was cutting the lawn?
Tj: Not bad. got it done quick, but i was out of breath when i was done.
Me: Do fresh cut lawns take your breath away too?

TJ: My parents are just now getting back from their walk.
Me: Well maybe they had a lot to talk about.
TJ: What?
Me: Maybe they were making out.
TJ: EW! I cannot believe you just said that! Gross! I’d expect you to say that about us, maybe, but not about them.

On the topic of the iPhone:
Aaron: This phone can do everything. It’s like the Jesus phone.
Me: Can it be your girlfriend, too?

On the topic of what Bobby and Aaron were doing in TJ’s car:
Debralyn: Oh my gosh. What are they doing in there?!
Me: I don’t know, but I hope he knows that she has a boyfriend. And she should know that he has an iPhone.

James: So, the teej looked pretty happy today.
Me: Oh yeah? About what?
James: I don’t know. You tell me.
Steve: What did you and the teej do this weekend?
Me: we went to the apple orchard and picked apples and got a pumpkin.
Rex: Oh, how romantic.
Steve: I hope that’s code for “the teej got laid.”

On making spaghetti:
Me: My mom made me chop the onions myself. I cried.
TJ: I’m sorry. I didn’t know vegetables made you so sentimental.

“My wife drives the van and I drive the furious Ford Focus. The Triple F.” -Larry, A.P. Government Teacher

“Don’t get me wet and not dry me off.” -S.D.

“When you turn your car on, does it return the favor?” -Cadillac commercial-

Me: you burn 70 calories every time we make out.
TJ: Then why are there still fat people?!
Me: Because fat people don’t get any action.

“Why don’t you use your finger thingy?” -N.W. to M.S. at a high school football game

on the topic of Kroger’s gas station discounts:
“I’ll be hittin’ that up somethin’ fierce.” -Larry, A.P. Government Teacher

“I don’t like to make assumptions, but i’m going to assume you know the difference between a hand and a foot.” -Dave Torrence, Anatomy Teacher

“It’s never too early to call it a day, Torrence.”-P.L

goddamit kyle151 (12:40:28 AM): nicole i was the victim of a hate crime today
NiCoLiPoLiEoLiE (12:40:43 AM): probably because you’re white
goddamit kyle151 (12:41:01 AM): exactly

“Brittany gets to be the first one to fondle the plastic pelvis.” -Dave Torrence, Anatomy Teacher

The Good Book According to Stoepler??
“And mayonnaise. Who thought of mayonnaise??”
-Stoepler, Religious Studies Teacher

On the topic of TJ dancing in glee club:
“When you dance I want to dress you up in a sailor suit.” -M.S.

mary3kate: the kid wants to like marry you, maybe he’ll get you an engagement ring….

On the topic of CCHS’s “romancing” policy:
“As the father of a daughter, there’s hugging and then there’s hugging, okay. …Let’s move on; I’m uncomfortable right now.” -Larry, A.P. Government Teacher

Shawnteal: I’m just being a tree hugger.
Stoepler, Religious Studies Teacher: I hate you people. I get in that car and I floor it and I go “Carbon monoxide! Choke on it, baby!”

mary3kate (9:09:21 PM): tj asked me what he should get you for christmas and i said get her world peace.

Text exchange:
meredith: haha the kid is like madly in love with you. he prolly got you an elephant and a riding lawn mower and a blow up ball pit and a back pack and 4562937 jumbo pink erasers :)

“The carriage is like vegas: what happens in the carriage, stays in the carriage. We won’t tell.”
-Carriage traffic director guy

mary3kate (10:00:00 PM): oh great this is why were soulmates
NiCoLiPoLiEoLiE (10:00:15 PM): derrrrrrrr

mary3kate (10:01:01 PM): and its also because i love you more than TJ does and i dont have to prove it with extravagant expensive gifts like he does.
NiCoLiPoLiEoLiE (10:01:32 PM): hahahaha!
NiCoLiPoLiEoLiE (10:01:48 PM): his gifts aren’t that extravagent…only slightly
mary3kate (10:02:38 PM): oh jeez, thats also why, cuz his gifts kind of suck in the manner that they are not extravagant
NiCoLiPoLiEoLiE (10:03:56 PM): nah, he’s the best gift giver
mary3kate (10:04:56 PM): ok, has he wrapped himself up naked in a big bow for you?
mary3kate (10:05:06 PM): NO i dont think so, so he hasnt given himself to you
mary3kate (10:05:13 PM): so his gifts still suck

Text enchant:
Fred: I checked into the synergy membership… ..

Me: Oh really, fredster? Are you going to work on being big and tough?
Fred: I dunno. I jus want 2 get in shape, plus the ladies love guys who have muscles and I love the ladies

“Strong biceps are the key to……evolutionary success.”-Dave Torrence, Anatomy Teacher

“I’m a slow masticater.” -Dave Torrence, Anatomy Teacher

dewminusmountain:.. nicole i love u! tell me the love story of thomas and you

Dew: James is a boy scout?
Me: Yeah! Boy Scouts are all the rage; see? Meredith has one, I have one. You should get one, dew.

“I live on the EDGE of the english language.”
-Larry, A.P. Government Teacher

Dirty thought inducing tidbits by N.G. (esp when said in the presence of myself or tay)
-Excuse the wet hand.
-We also have a stick to roast them.

Bobby: I thought we were going to talk about our problems.
LVY: I’m in the closet…
Bobby: Huh?
LVY: I said, I’m in the closet!
Bobby: So come out and join us.
LVY: Join you? You’re perfectly normal.
bobby: exactly. come out and join us.

“If this was the Bible, I’d be the best damn Christian!”-LVY-

Matt: This kid’s got something against me, i swear.
Allie: What’s your beef, Thomas?
Matt: Yeah, what’s your beef?
TJ: Well…I like chicken.

On the topic of shirtless young men (with good physique, that is):”Some people like to look at mountains. Some people like to look at beautiful sunsets. I like to look at young boys without their shirts on.” -K.S.

D.S. Quotes:
-[At the BFEC] That fucking creepy tree just grabbed me!
-[Sociology Study Party] A few blocks from your house, a group of people may be having a cultic orgy. Did you ever think of that?
-[On the way to Peirce on mashed potato night after i hit the power button that shut down his laptop] Well I considered murdering you, but i didn’t want to get my spoon dirty.

“It is time [he] got a dose of his own prozac.” -A.D.

“That’d be interesting. Next time he asks you to hang you, you’ll be like sorry, i don’t need your cookies anymore. I have my own.” -S.H.

Nicolyn: David, I have a food baby.
David: Well that’s too bad. You should have practiced safe eating and used condiments.

Nicolyn:It’s 11 am I haven’t had my rice yet.
Yukiyoshi: You’re late, what’s wrong with you? I eat my rice at 9 o’clock sharp!

I DRINK WHATEVER IS ON SALE! - C.Z.

Can I look at your pieces before I leave? - L.H.

MLK Day:
Jim: You had class today? …That’s odd.
Nicolyn: Yeah, we don’t observe fake holidays here. We’re serious scholars.

Discussing Eckerd College:
Nicolyn: He doesn’t know it’s a dry campus.
Bobby: There’s no swimming there?

We’re gonna be turning 20, which means that soon we’ll be turning 50. - M.T.

Even if you keep your body contained, in your mind it’s a dance party. -B.T. on the radio

It’s not a big deal. She’s in my math class. We talk about pencils and bracelets and calculations occasionally. -M.M.

I mean, if he’s gonna hit on every girl at the office he could at least hit the gym. -L.U.

Brandon: I see you’re free at 3 on Thursday. We should have lunch.
Nicolyn: Since I have an eating disorder and all, I don’t think it would be practical for me to eat lunch with you.

“You’re a social Darwinist: you only survive if you deserve to.” -D.S.

“You look great! Even with clothes on!!” — K.S.

“What? A butterfly? They hang out with flowers, not on the highway!” -N.W.

“I’ll talk him into helping me remove staples, or something equally sexy.” -N.W.

“Do they send you a notification? Like, ‘You have been defriended by Nicolyn Woodcock. Would you like to retaliate with a nasty message?’” -M.T.

“Future Goals: A massive orgy before thirty; finally trying Pineapple Express; triggering a media fire-storm over my blog; getting out of America before it collapses” -chaichangechaos

“The best part about this 4th of July party is that today is July 3rd.” - D.S.

July 7, 2010. World Cup Semi-Final Germany v. Spain:
“When 3D TVs come out I will be able to slap players.” -J.Q.

“LOL I can cut bread for you  and crappily put veggies on your sandwich. I haven’t learned meats and cheeses” -Amanda Dew on employment at Subway

“He can’t play video games on an empty stomach” -A.M.

“I looked great everyday in physics, but today I look like I didn’t try. I even looked great on Memorial Day.”
“You had classes on Memorial Day?”
“No, I mean I walked around the town so that people could see me.”
-D.S.