My dreams were always bigger the city of Toledo could contain. Ironically they took me off to tiny towns in “the middle of nowhere” in Ohio. These are wonderful spaces for higher education, some say. They thought we would focus without any big city distractions. I laughed. We knew few things better than making our own distractions. The small towns made me restless, always longing for more action, more noise, more variety. But when I went to those cities I wanted peace, quiet, the silence of the stars in clear night skies. In these small towns I left my heart and they nurtured my dreams. In them I got to be indecisive, to try on one idea and trade it for another until I found the one that fit just right. In small towns I learned a lot about living and a little about love; about choosing who you call family for the rest of your life; how to be brave from adults who I wanted to be like when I grow up; to never give up; to never stop wanting to know; to speak; to understand; to do everything you can to change the world one student at a time. 

The city couldn’t hold my dreams because it was far too full and too busy, trying to hold everyone else’s dreams. I retreated to the places you miss because you don’t get off the highway, to forgotten towns that never forgot my dreams.

                                                       December 12, 2012 - Oxford, Ohio

• Chicago Roadtrip:
  -Lunch at Joyyee
  -ALLOS: The Story of Carlos Bulosan
  -Party for Pacquio fight
  -Molly’s Cupcakes
  -Lincoln Park Shopping
  -Lillstreet Arts Center
  -Downtown dining
  -Drinks with Lakhi, Theo, & Herrison
  -Starbucks visit with Charlotte 
   
   
• Dinner and Oxford lights walking with Tony
• final paper writing/revising/ruminating
• Arts & crafts & Holiday card writing
• Christmas Celebrating & movies with Suey, Julianne, Janoah & Tony
• Culinary adventure: Crockpot Chili

Weekend Wishlist:

• Finishing the first semester of graduate school
• Quarter Barrel dinner
• Paint til Ya faint
• Cincinnati Date 
• Stargazing

I’ve spent a lot of time this year feeling placed in the middle of some tug of was between you and dad. You’ve been divorced since I was seven, but there was this strange cohabiting situation up until this past May. Even before he was gone in May I was being pulled in both directions—not by my feelings or indecision, I was always, always on your side. You have always been on my side. You’ve always put me first. You worked two jobs, the night shift; you made it to basketball and volleyball games, NHS assemblies, birthday visits to Kenyon. You knew who my friends were and even remembered their birthdays. You’ve always been there for support—financially, emotionally, unconditionally. When it came down to it, I didn’t need to choose. The choice was made for me when you chose to prioritize me over everything else. For that I am unbelievably grateful; for that I will never be able to express enough in my “Thank you.” 

I love you, 

Nicolyn 

                                                             December 9, 2012 - Chicago, IL

We say that cities like this one never sleep. Is that why the people have a reputation for never smiling? for standing by without helping their fellow (wo)men? for brooding? for silence? for imposition? Are they like the stoic, cold buildings that dot the horizon line?Are they afraid of the dark, deceiving themselves with a security blanket of the lighted skyline, the one that they call pretty from far away? 

I watched headlights and taillights dance across the ceiling, motors sputtering across the night. I crossed myself - in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit - when I heard sirens multiple times each hour. I wondered if my hosts, the city dwellers, were sleeping in the room next door. 

Was this city alive because it was awake - a sign of life or a sign of the times? 

I missed my small town bed and the cricket sounds I had to drown out with the fan, the low intensity traffic created by stop signs rather than stop lights, the brick streets of times gone by, and the blanket full of stars overhead. In small, quaint, comparatively quiet - what we call “sleepy” towns - I learned who I was and what I wanted and what and who and why I loved. 

I shivered, half awake in the gray morning light as my big city dreams faded away - interrupted by the stream of cars outside the window, the impatient honking horns, another set of sirens. 

Would I ever go back to the city? Or, was my heart left in the country with the corn fields, the green grass, the friendly faces that did not know my name but greeted me, “Hello, neighbor!” anyway? 

                                                       December 8, 2012, 8:45 am - Chicago, IL

Crush is still a fascinating word and concept for me. Although I have recently had a crush in the common meaning of the word, I still want to deconstruct it—why such a loaded word that more often than not crushes your hopes and dreams and self-esteem; one that could crush your heart and your faith in the ideas of love?

I had a crush most recently. He was a perfect gentleman who asked and took me on a proper date. We could—did—talk and laugh and joke for hours. He danced with me in the middle of an uptown boutique. I found myself blushing, flattered, hopeful for the first time in a long while. 

Having since transcended the level of “crush” with this special someone, I have a new idea about the word “crush.” I think the key element of crushes is being vulnerable—taking risks, leaps of faith, believing that, indeed, the best is yet to come without preparing yourself for “the worst.” You don’t do it because you subconsciously know that there is nothing that can prepare you and that no matter what, “the worst” is not worse than being afraid, regretting the risks you did not take, losing faith and the sparkle in your eyes in settling for loneliness.

As it turns out, your crushes don’t have to crush you—they teach you to be brave and what you want the most and the potential of where they’ll lead is always their risks’ reward.

Charmed, 
Nicolyn 

                                                                      December 8, 2012 - Chicago, IL

I felt like such a creeper the day you moved into our first-year hall. I had been there for a week already and knew from the door decoration that you were from Toledo, too. Looking at it now, it was the best decision of my life, perhaps. Can you imagine what we’d be like without having met?

I can’t imagine my life without you. Although we met just four years ago, I feel like you’ve always been here—since the sandbox days. 

Very few people could pull off playing the part of my twin. We’re connected by the cosmos, I think. Our minds operate on the same wavelengths and our personalities are made of harmony.

I am so happy that I found you. I want a room in my future house that you can live in forever. (Am I being creepy again?)

I hate that we live so far apart now that we’ve left college and I’ve left home. We’re only separated by three hours, but it feels like so much more—in distance, time, and space. 

No matter that distance/time/space, I feel that connection. It’s why we often call or message at precisely the right moment. I feel it on the days I wore my Kenyon shirts because I miss you. 

You are wonderful. All my love, 

Nicolyn

                                                         December 7, 2012 - Chicago, IL 

In the summer of 2010, I did a 30-day letter writing challenge. Last night I revisited all of those letters and I was (as usual) moved by the power of my own words, my thoughts, my poetic twists of thought. I couldn’t help but be amazed at the threads of my self that I recognize and the pieces of self that seem remote, unfamiliar, past friends or strangers. I decided that I would do this challenge again. About two and a half years later so much has changed—I am older, I have been so many places since, I have relocated myself, I have lost people in the ether and discovered new faces, I have been learning and growing and thriving. Who would get my letters now? If I sent the letters to the same people as I did two years ago, what would I say that I didn’t say then? What kinds of liberties will I take this time interpreting the prompts? 

Stay tuned!

• Payday
• Streetwalking from the liquor store & being picked up by Maggie & Nicole
• Salon/Spa day
• Party Prep: Cupcake and Chex mix making and stocking decorating with Tony
• Workworkwork all day
• The Stunning Sweater Party! 
   
• WorkworkworklibrarySunday
• Martini Monday & Secret Santa Gift exchange with the ladies
• RainyworkingTuesday
• Lit & Cultural Theory presentation
• Last day teaching! —> Survived my first semester!
• Fancy Salmon & Salad Dinner night with (Ginger)bread Pudding with Tony
• Sexy Baby organizing/planning meeting with Kelly at Women’s Center
• Office work all day
• Victorian lit paper workshop & drinks at Mac & Joe’s
• Packing/organizing for Chicago trip
• Re-visiting old writings, old selves

Weekend Highlight: Chicago, IL

Weekend Wishlist:

• Reconnections
• Exploring
• Delicious Filipino eats
• Morning productivity